Menopause: When Your Body Becomes a Call of Duty Map and Your Love Life Takes Cover - A Hilarious and Raw Account
A letter to my husband.
Hey, babe.
Ya know how you feel like the the love of your life seems like she's gone batshit crazy? Yeah, I feel ya. Menopause is a fuckin’ rollercoaster, and I never know what's coming next. Some days I feel like I could conquer the world, and others...well, let's just say I might need to be restrained. Good news, I never ACTUALLY put a pillow over your face as you slept (but damn did I think about it!). And to be fair I can’t imagine (luckily) how “sexy” I look in a random crying bout, sweat rolling down my boobs from another hot flash in week old clothes/hair/makeup.
Honestly, It's like my body has turned into a fucking Call of Duty map, with symptoms popping up left and right like enemies in multiplayer mode (I know you’ll love that reference). One day it's my brain going haywire with mood swings, memory loss, and a lack of focus. Let's not even fucking talk about the stress, anxiety, and depression that turned me into a goddamn OCD cleaning and organizing zombie. The next day it's like the enemies have moved south and set up shop in my tits, belly, and lady bits. I'm talking swollen aching boobs, bloating, weight gain that defies all logic, exhaustion, hot flashes that make me feel like a human torch, and the cherry on top? My cooch is drier than the Sahara. So don't give me that "but babe, why don't you wanna bone?" bullshit. With my jugs, gut, and vajeene all feeling like they're under attack, I'm surprised I even have the energy to get out of bed.
Despite my pride and embarrassment I'm not gonna lie, I miss my younger, tighter tummy, neck AND vajayjay. It's like the premenopausal me is a distant memory, and I have no idea what kind of hot mess I'm gonna be postmenopausal.
I meeeeean, will I still be me?
Will you still LIKE me?
Hell, will I like me again?
It's a lot to handle, and sometimes the weight of it all is crushing.
Menopause ain't just a simple physical and mental transformation - it's a social taboo that society's been shoving down women's throats for ages. You know how they say men age like wine? Well, women age like milk - past their prime and deemed irrelevant.
Anywho, I knoooooow I “may” be a hot mess right now, but don't you worry, Love Muscle, I'll come out of this shitstorm better and stronger than ever. We're in this together, babe, and we'll make it out alive.
Grab Your Free Menopause Survival Guide
If you're reading this, chances are you're a woman over 40 who's experiencing the shit show that's menopause. Let's face it, it's NEVER a picnic. Between the hot flashes that make you feel like you're in a sauna, the weight gain that seems to come out of nowhere, the gray hairs that keep popping up, and the low energy that leaves you feeling like a sloth, it can feel like our bodies are betraying us.
But don't worry, my friend, you're not alone on this wild ride. In fact, there are millions of women just like us who are navigating this new stage of life. And that's exactly why I created this ebook – to provide you with the tools and strategies you need to thrive during menopause.
